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Monthly horoscopes [August 2013]

Aries

March 21 — April 19

Hey Aries, confused, and well you should be. For the last several weeks your lack of attention to detail both in business and personal life has called your good judgment into question by your friends. We both know that your friends are not necessarily the finest judges of anything more complicated than alcoholic stupors, but in this particular case their assessments are correct. Get active before you lose it all business-wise. Regarding your physical issues, if you do nothing else at least stop by a local barbershop or hair salon for an estimate. Your lucky number this month is minus two.

Taurus

April 20 — May 20

Slow and steady is the way you like it. And for many this works just fine, whereas others see it as mindless repetition, or worse yet, boring, pay no attention. Especially now, avoid shiny objects, xylophone music or anything traveling more than 60 miles per hour. Choose your words as you choose your steps, with thought and care, as often neither of them can be undone. A small purchase will provide a large dividend in the near future. Buy nothing that requires velcro below the waist or hooks in the back . Come on Taurus you know exactly who you are.

Gemini

May 21 — June 21

Good things come to those that wait, or in your case lose weight, specifically deadweight. The stars say now is a great time to rethink an acquisition made in haste. Consider these possible scenarios. Is it leaking oil or any other fluid you’ve pretty much had enough of? Does it generate more expense, than it’s corresponding return in pleasure? Ultimately, can you do better? Think these cryptic questions through. Keep in mind as much nostalgia as certain things bring to your life, often they’re best kept in your memory rather than your closet or garage. Dry clean only.

Cancer

June 22 — July 22

You tend to be both emotional and sensitive, and the phrase “grow a pair” is one you’ve heard many times before. Don’t let the fact that you’re a woman stand in the way of giving this a try. Even though you prefer to show your harsh exterior, you have a gooey center, which tends to rise to the surface during the full moon and national elections. Silence can be golden, and if so, you are probably broke. Your romantic side is often sabotaged by your inability to think before you speak. Working hard to correct this single flaw will pay huge dividends towards finding that special someone to meet, mate and marry. Deep breath, hold it, now let it out slowly while looking to the left, you’re such a tool.

Leo

July 23 — August 22

Look at you Leo, still basking in the glory of your last social event.

There’s no doubt in anyone’s mind you know how to have a good time. Your generosity plus your optimistic view of the world, even under the worst of circumstances makes you indispensable down at party central. The stars see a trip in your immediate future, exercise caution, what looks good on paper may be bad in actuality. Remember that bad blotter back in the 60′s? Fair warning, don’t let your idealistic nature ruin what could be a good time if only you’re willing to put in a little effort. No one likes a quitter, well, maybe morticians, but you get the point.

Virgo

August 23 — September 22

Your friends see you as steadfast in your allegiance to them, and so you are. Your bulldog-like nature shows up in your work ethic as well. You are often sought out to assist on difficult projects, and once you begin, only completing the task or death will separate you from it. Unfortunately Virgo, these same traits are screwing big time with your ability to have an adult relationship. How so, simple, you hold onto the past, consequently you expect your present partner to respond in the same fashion as your parents did. Fat chance for a healthy relationship. That was then, this is now, figure it out.

Libra

September 23 — October 22

Wow Libra, lots going on in your life this month as three sun signs are all working hard to get your attention. Don’t be deceived, instead focus on that chocolate Easter bunny you wanted as a kid. Remember the shiny foil wrapper and how much you wanted it, only to discover after opening the damn thing it was both tasteless and hollow. There’s a boatload of celestial metaphors here, hopefully you’re not distracted from seeing it by some other shiny object. All this attention is making you prideful instead of paranoid, bad choice. Look for ulterior motives, even a child’s portion of excavation will bring them to the surface.

Scorpio

October 23 — November 21

As you can see by taking last month’s astrological advice, the power of positive thinking has brought you to a pivotal place where a difficult decision must be made. Granted, the pivotal place is thrilling, and certainly deeply satisfying. More so in fact then you’ve experienced in quite some time, but take note, Pisces is pulling hard on Scorpio and the intense pleasure you feel presently will not last. It’s time to be pro-active, or at least semi pro-active. Find someone who is familiar with your sensitive position, their guidance will help lift you off the thorn of your present dilemma. [This is your final notice]

Sagittarius

November 22 — December 21

Heads up Sagittarius, Mercury slipping and shape shifting on one side and Scorpio on the other have you wedged clearly in the center of a dilemma sandwich. One represents wealth/power, the other love/physical desire. There you are right in the middle with all the rest of the astrological signs stepping back to watch the fun, which by the way, will not be forthcoming. All things being equal, and astrologically speaking they are, someone’s going to lose a trailer [hurricane hillbilly reference, look it up]. My suggestion, flip a coin or ask a friend, both are equally unreliable. Good news, something lost will be found, bad news, it won’t be your self respect.

Capricorn

December 22 — January 19

Congrats Capricorn, your accomplishments, although not outstanding, are certainly noteworthy. Lucky for you, your self-centered nature will make it unnecessary for others to complement you, as you are more than ready to pat yourself on the back. Don’t be ashamed or disheartened by this lack of recognition. Your spirit is strong and your resilient nature keeps you upbeat even in the face of, thousands in unpaid library book fines, parking tickets and overdue record club bills. Now is a great time to focus on the trivial, see a doctor or plan for the future. Shoelaces are always a good investment.


Aquarius

January 20 — February 18

Hello Aquarius, still uncertain as to which will make you look more ridiculous, checks or stripes, try both. With your eccentric reputation no one will think the worse of you no matter which way you go. You view yourself as retro, nice try, in truth your frenetic wardrobe says it all. Get a mirror, counseling, therapy, something, your manner of dress is not psychedelic it is psychotic. Now have the voices in your head repeat that three times, then twice, then once. Then call someone who cares, no minutes, welcome to Panama. There is hope, try talking to an earth sign, they are skilled at separating the forest from the trees, and without question can help you avoid getting stuck on a big root.

Pisces

February 19 — March 20

You’re looking good these days, not just your clothes but your whole personality seems to radiate some inner-peace, health and vitality. I can’t say precisely what the cause is. Perhaps you’re thinking less and acting more, specifically not worrying about things beyond your control and maybe spending more time in physical activity. Whatever the cause, the results look good on you. Beware the phrase “you’re a natural entertainer” it does not mean you’re funny when naked, so think before you act, especially around children and the elderly. Your lucky number this month, pretty much any number you choose, the signs are with you, go for it.

 

Monthly overview of astrological influence;

As I mentioned last month the astrological signs were at the midway point from their most influential to their least influential location. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, things of an unusual nature have become the norm, and miscommunication seems to be the rule of the day. Well relax, those sorts of influences should be on hiatus for the next four months. But be warned, miscommunication is still possible, and in fact likely, in the fields of cash-based interpersonal relationships. Avoid haircuts, boat repair and dry-cleaning, especially while drunk. For the immediate future, under no circumstance attend a party given by priests, nuns or Elvis impersonators, they will only end in a critical mass. And right now none of our fragile egos can take it. Now is a particularly unwise time to enter into any financial arrangement that requires a contract written in crayon. Also for the immediate future eat nothing you find in a crumpled paper bag in the back seat of a taxi, even if it is still warm. This may seem far from sage advice, but if you’re doubtful and have the time, ask Rosemary.

This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses recommends suggests or in any other form infers actual fact. And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making. Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.

 

This column is created and written by John Schneider. Mr. Schneider, although uncertain, is positive.

 

 

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