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Aries

March 21 — April 19

This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, seek out a Taurus and see what happens.  Your popularity wanes during the full moon which should in turn give you the opportunity to do that spring cleaning you have been putting off.  With special attention to dark corners and light fixtures were dust bunnies have been multiplying for some time now.  This extends to any other animals now deceased you may have laying about, or stashed under the bed.  I’m not judging, but the neighbors are beginning to talk.

Taurus

April 20 — May 20

This is an ideal time to focus that burst of energy and physical fitness you’re feeling into a project you’ve been putting off.  Not brushing your teeth, that can still wait until that project resolve itself.  With your positive attitude and your present good health you’re capable of doing anything.  Well, not anything, after all there is gravity plus numerous agencies designed for the public good casting at least one eye in your direction.  But pretty much anything within the confines of reasonable judgment and the laws of physics.  Lucky number 7504, I know weird right, but what do you really want to argue with the cosmos.

Gemini

May 21 — June 21

Hi Gemini, thinking about a trip to the beach, stopped thinking get going.  Both water and sun signs play a tremendous role in your life this month.  This will provide either emotional or financial benefit providing you’re in the right place at the right time.  Seriously, the cosmic tides are flowing in your direction and if you are at all diligent something spectacular could be yours at the water’s edge.  A dark star gleams on the horizon and with it change consternation as well as the opportunity for success.  Be prepared to be patient, but above all diligent.  The ocean giveth, but quite frequently the authorities taketh away.

Cancer

June 22 — July 22

Hi Ho Cancer, be prepared for a Scorpio attempting to lure you away from home.  They may be accompanied by an attractive Pisces or something that smells similar.  Don’t be tricked, follow your heart not your nose.  Short-term gain is just that, short term.  Focus on what you have, not what you hope to gain.  Especially as your spontaneous nature tends to lead you into bad position, and I’m not just talking downward dog.  Your sun sign and your moon sign, plus too overdue bills from the water department all collide in Jupiter’s first house.  And who do you think is going to clean this mess up, it’s all on you cancer, so wise up and stay home.

Leo

July 23 — August 22

Leo Leo Leo, the last two months the universe has done everything but send you singing telegrams regarding the direction in which you should move.  It appears for you advice is like ice cream, but lactose intolerance allows it only to slide through you without absorbing any possible insightful ingredients contained therein.  Real clarity comes by seeking out a dark place in the jungle.  Don’t fret skipping, your head is screwed on well, but perhaps too tightly to allow you to turn and see the viewpoint of others.  Your lucky number 50 K amortized over 10 years.

Virgo

August 23 — September 22

Hi Virgo, the constellation Pleiades plays a great part in your immediate astrological future.  What she brings to you is additional appreciation of your present condition, which by the way is excellent.  Specifically Venus rising and with her renewed romantic interest and vigor, wink wink.  Expect to find yourself experiencing a sense of renewal, not only regarding love and relationships but also with your overall view of the world.  Eat more gords redmeat and any food beginning or ending in the Z

Libra

September 23 — October 22

Wow!  Libra, have you ever gotten up on the wrong side of the zodiac.  If I were to compare your present status with vegetation you would be considered stumbleweed, which as I’m sure you’re aware is tumbleweeds less athletic cousin.  No kidding dude at present your life is blowing all over the place, and you don’t even have the ability to roll with it, [tumbleweeds reference].  Your normal bound and determined attitude along with you straight forward approach to problems will be found lacking.  A local troglodyte, although dreaded, can be of great assistance.

Scorpio

October 23 — November 21

Greetings Scorpio, lest us not forget all you little scorpioets.  Like warm mittens on a chilly morning a sun sign will warm not only your hands but your heart in the near future.  I know your luck and your attitude are running neck and neck towards lethargy, but buck up Scorpio things are about to change in a big way.  Both Mars and Jupiter and a guy from the village near the airport who sells the chicken will play a prominent part in your life for the next 30 days.  It’s time to forget the past, stick out your neck and pull in your libido.  Your lucky number, two.

Sagittarius

November 22 — December 21

A festive event will bring you closure regarding an old romance, and with it ultimately peace of mind.  And just in time as your moon settles comfortably into a cosmic La-Z-Boy, with magic fingers in Pluto’s first house.  And now what, well for the immediate future it’s all ribbons and bows, or perhaps you prefer skittles and beer.  In either case a well-deserved moment of tranquility is yours.  Avoid toads, lounge lizards, cougars, and soul sucking time wasters.  PS.  Mars approaches at month’s end and with her a stellar opportunity to go broke on a harebrained financials skiing.  Practice saying no so you’re prepared when that inevitable moment arrives.

Capricorn

December 22 — January 19

Misunderstandings abound at present, reminding me of the story of the nearly deaf blind addled vegetarian with a speech impediment who walks into a fish store.  After realizing where he was and being asked what he might like to purchase he responded “sorry, I guess I just came in for the halibut”, I know, weird right?  For the present Jupiter’s awesome power and Murphy’s infallible law prevail.  Should you have an opinion stifle it.  My recommendation, practice nodding as noncommittally as possible until this condition or you expires.  Seriously Capricorn consider intravenous feeding, as opening your mouth in any form will only get you in Dutch.

Aquarius

January 20 — February 18

Getting into the habit is not a metaphor for dating a nun.  The sun, your ruling planet, can and will cause disruptions in tides, complexion, and radio signals, or communications of any sort early this month.  Forget the num stuff I just needed to get your attention in reference to the communication part.  Speak clearly and maintain eye contact, even when alone, as someone unseen maybe watch.  Jupiter dictates, Jesus saves, Moses pays dividends.  And remember, as they say in the floor tile industry “just say no to rugs”.

Pisces

February 19 — March 20

Expect praise and accolades from those close to you either in a work or family setting.  And rightfully so as your primary qualities include devotion and honorable action towards others.  Your fiercely protective of your home environment, especially your browser history and the back left corner of your bottom dresser drawer, under the sweaters.  Now don’t act all innocent Pisces, the zodiac knows all but tells nothing.  Unlike your Facebook friends who latch onto any casual comment you may have made regarding fire Island.  [Not a Tabasco reference].  And before you subscribe, Paddlers Life is not a canoe fanciers magazine.

Monthly overview of astrological influence

October sees the planet shift on its axis and with it a healthy portion of the universe goes into retrograde.  This means that for you fire and Earth signs less potency for projects related to wax, yarn or general carpentry should be expected.  Now you are thinking, “hey smart guy what about us water and air signs”.  Equally cosmically screwed, just from opposite ends of the cosmos.  And trust me the grass is not greener on the other guys lawn.  In fact it is probably not grass at all.  Had you only taken the time to investigate more closely you probably wouldn’t be standing in a shadowy corner of the park holding a bag of pizza topping.  Gemini Libra, Aquarius, all great signs but at the moment prone to an introspection sandwiched wedge between two layers of anger and disappointment.  Cancer, Scorpio and the rest of you water signs, expect a sad epiphany.  Extreme caution is advised with your moon in Jupiter’s second house.  Which by the way is the equivalent of the babysitter unconscious on the kitchen floor due to her confusion between Tylenol and Seconal.  While her two precocious responsibilities play a lawsuit worthy spirited game of Dora the Explorer all over her comatose frame.

This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses recommends suggests or in any other form infers actual fact.  And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making.

Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.

This column is created and written by John Schneider.  Mr. Schneider considers the future plot as preferable to the present fiction.

 

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